Exist Without Trying

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I’m in a group video chat with 7 others - Click to watch or join: http://tinychat.com/whalessproutjizz

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I close my eyes
and expand my lungs
with a calming intake of air
as I carefully 
cross the lines 
that you’ve not drawn,
but I know are really there. 
I’m a spy
and I’m not lying
when I say
that I am dying
to know what’s on your mind
and what goes on behind 
closed doors. 
The kicker is
you never shut me out
I just sneak about
confirming 
all the details that are left unsaid
because silence leaves me squirming.
You deserve my trust,
but you can’t trust me.
I’ve been scarred
and it’s not done healing.
I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings. 
You give forgiveness 
before I’m done sinning.
You had my heart from the beginning
and even though 
my back has been stabbed before
I should know by now 
that you’ll never close the door.
I know you’re hear to stay because
you love me despite my ugly flaws. 
You’re exactly what a best friend
is supposed to be.
Thank you for loving me.

You held my trust 
in your hands
like a kid’s dreams
and you crushed it.
You’re so sorry.
Broken record,
broken record.
Shut the fuck up. 
I’m not Jesus.
Put the nails down.
Pick your son up.
You’re more than
I can stomach. 
Take a happy pill.
Take a dozen. 
One night stand,
but you say 
you love him. 
Broken record,
broken record.
Shut the fuck up. 
Shoot some drugs up
while your pregnant.
It’s just a baby.
The state can take her. 
Shed a tear, you
mother faker. 
Like a matchbook
keep on burning
down your bridges;
never learning. 
You said you loved me.
Shut the fuck up,
broken record.

Oh no,
you’re all alone.
It’s dark and you’re
so far from home.
The trees rise around you
and shadows surround you.
With a helpless sound you
close your eyes and
wonder how it found you.
You sink to your knees
and weep in despair.
You’re dying for warmth.
You’re fighting for air.
Then a light ignites somewhere
through the trees-
Can your feet get there?
With a frail hope in your heart
you crawl on your knees
with your hands out front
and sift through the trees
leaving yellow searchlight eyes
in your wake.
Will they eat you up
or find out what it takes
to make
a broken hearted boy break.

You crawl into a clearing
on bruised and bleeding bones.
A torch burns on the ground
and no one is around.
Footprints lead into the darkness.
Your savior is long gone.
With torch in hand you venture forth.
Have heart and carry on.
I’ll always carry on.